Twenty-one years of marriage is a long time to partner with another human.
Long enough to know that love isn’t measured by how often you’re on the same page — but by how quickly you’re willing to admit when you’re not. And trust me, in a long-term marriage (especially after kids), there will be seasons where you’re not on the same page, the same chapter, or even reading the same book.
That’s normal.
Those moments — the hard 2% moments that show up in every family across every season of life — can feel like disconnection. But they don’t have to become distance. The sooner you can name it and say, “Hey, we’re out of sync — let’s get back in this together,” the happier you’ll be.
Because I truly believe this: God gave us partners for a reason. Marriage is meant to be a shared load, not a silent competition.
The Magic in Naming What We Need in Marriage
Here’s something I had to learn the hard way.
I used to love being surprised.
Loved the idea of my partner just knowing what I needed.
But real life — especially marriage after kids — doesn’t leave much room for mind reading.
What changed everything for us was this simple shift: weekly check-ins.
Not dramatic sit-downs. Not therapy-level conversations. Just honest, practical questions like:
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“How do you need me to show up for you this week?”
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“What would feel supportive right now?”
When you’re deep in the trenches of raising kids, it’s easy to stop seeing each other as individuals and start seeing roles instead: the default parent, the one in the workforce, the logistics manager, the emotional regulator.
That’s where resentment sneaks in.
Unmet expectations are just resentment waiting to happen.
So we started calling it out — by name — before it had a chance to grow teeth.
Communication Over Assumption (Every Time)
I had to get out of my own head.
I had to stop assuming my partner knew what I needed.
Stop waiting to be surprised.
Stop silently keeping score.
And when I started naming my asks — clearly, directly, kindly — something shifted.
Instead of defensiveness, there was partnership.
Instead of “I’m failing you,” the response became, “Okay, I’m your partner. Let’s land this plane together.”
It turns out, staying connected in a long-term marriage isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being honest early — before frustration turns into distance.
I often reference the book Fair Play here (and I’ll be honest — your partner may not be as eager to read it as you are). But you don’t need to overhaul your whole system to feel more connected.
You just need intentional touchpoints:
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Daily check-ins (five minutes counts)
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Weekly intentional time — a walk, a hike, a date night, a date day
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Getting outside your routine long enough to remember why you chose each other
Ordinary Love Is the Real Story
A true story of ordinary love is simply showing up in your family every single day.
Not perfectly.
Not romantically.
Not with grand gestures.
Just… showing up.
If everyone did that — showed up consistently, imperfectly, intentionally — what a world this would be.
This is what staying connected in marriage actually looks like after kids. Quiet. Ordinary. Repetitive. And incredibly powerful.
The Long Game
Here’s what feels clearer to me now, especially as I move into the launching phase of parenting.
Parenting is a season.
Marriage — if we’re lucky — is forever.
The kids grow. They leave. They build lives of their own. But the partnership remains. And that makes the everyday effort worth it.
Marriage after 21 years isn’t about who does more or who carries what. It’s about calling each other in, again and again, and choosing to stay engaged.
Love hard.
Name what you need.
Show up.
Repeat.
That’s the whole thing.